Anyone who knows us personally knows that our knowledge of American politics is vast. Rachel watches House of Cards (Meechum forever), and Merilla has read up on all of the best memes pertaining to the 2016 Presidential Election. As we’re all aware, this election has been a goddamn shitshow (oh ya we curse now guys – get used to it). Watching any 10-minute segment of any of the debates will tell you that. We’re here, on the eve of Election Day, to lay down the facts if you’re still a little unclear about what exactly is going on. Because if there are any two people on Tufts campus that understand the political system and its implications for this country, it’s us. It’s the first time either of us are old enough to vote in a presidential election (whoo twenty-FUN amirite), and we’re not going to say we’re most excited to get the “I Voted!” stickers buuuuut….we’re pretty hype to get the “I Voted!” stickers. It’s the small things in life. Anyway, here’s a run-down of the election, what will happen tomorrow (Probably a zombie apocalypse?? Maybe we all go to a deserted island like in LOST??), and how exactly our President for the next four years will be decided.
1) The Candidates
OK, if you don’t know who the candidates are by this point, that’s high-key embarrassing, but here we go. For the Republican Party, we have Donald Trump (aka Satan) and his VP candidate Michael Pence. For the Democratic Party, we have Hillary Clinton and her VP candidate Tim Kaine. Ken Bone* represents the Cinnamon Roll Too Pure For This World Party, promising the creation of a National Cinnamon Roll Day. Jill Stein and Ajamu Baraka represent the Green Tea Party. Marc Buffalo, not to be confused with Marc Ruffalo or just a plain old buffalo, is actually running as both President and his own VP under the Buffalo Chicken Party. Everyone knows this, but Marc Buffalo’s platform promises to bring bluezones to every household in America. Though some people think that he has an evil twin, we’ve debunked that myth. Just trust us on that. Gary Johnson and Bill Weld lead the Librarian (Shh) Party. Lastly (but not leastly! Yeah! That’s a word!), rapper Nelly is running as part of the gRillz Party (do u get it. do u get th ejoke. r we funny??? Rachel doesn’t approve of this tangent by the way, but she wants Merilla to express her artistic creativity so she didn’t edit this out).
*Note that we are always two to four weeks behind on the meme train, so apologies if this is considered a “stale meme” as the kids say.
2) Straight from the Candidates’ Mouths
We reached out to each of the Presidential candidates for a comment (140 characters or less) in response to our question, “Why should you be the next President of the United States of America?”
Hillary Clinton: Look at who I’m up against and that should answer your question.
Ken Bone: I’m a meme and I don’t know how this happened but I’m just gonna roll with it. Thank you and goodnight.
Donald Trump: I know Jumbo Beat. I love Jumbo Beat. We go way back, Jumbo Beat and me.
Jill Stein: VACCINES. I’M A DOCTOR. VACCINES. (Or something like that).
Marc Buffalo: Everybody’s got a water buffalo. Yours is fast and mine is slow. Where’d we get them I don’t know, but everybody’s got a water buffalooooooooooooo. Wait what was the question?
Gary Johnson: I don’t really know what I’m doing here.
Nelly: *beat drop* *mic drop* Help me get my 2013 album M.O. off the ground and I’ll get free Grillz (not to be confused with gRillz – there’s only one of her) for all.
3) What The Candidates Support
Hillary Clinton: Basic human rights. And pantsuits.
Ken Bone: Happiness.
Donald Trump: I don’t know Putin. We’re not friends.
Jill Stein: Bread gives our children swine flu.
Marc Buffalo: Marc Buffalo.
Gary Johnson: Weed, but I won’t smoke in office if elected I swear. *nervous laughter*
Nelly: Hey, everyone, you should go buy my album M.O. on iTunes! It’s now only 99 cents! What a steal!
4) The Best of Election Social Media
The Twitter, meme, and overall social media game throughout the progress of this election has been spectacular. Here are a few of our favorites tweets from/about each candidate.
And the most savage of all…
Happy Election Day (eve), everyone! After all, the completely accurate and not made-up information we just gave you, make sure to go out and VOTE! You get a sticker! So exciting.
Stay weird, y’all.