Baaaaaaa baaaaa ba ba ba BAAAAA BAAAAAA ba ba ba BAAAAA BAAAA – That’s the introduction to the fighting that happened that one time with the astrological objects aka stars. “This is a lot,” said Merilla, commenting on this introduction. When Merilla, the most extra person on Tufts’ campus, thinks something is too much, that can only mean one thing – JUMBO BEAT IS BACK!! What up beautiful people, places, and things. We definitely missed Tufts and were excited to come back to broaden our learning, but then after our first class back from abroad we simultaneously thought, “nooooooooo.” Trudging through school work is honestly the most stupid and pointless thing a college student could worry about *as we proceed to stay in Tisch until the ungodly hours of the morning*. It took Merilla one class period to get behind on her work, and she has not recovered since. Instead of caring about academics, we have decided to devote ourselves to the SWUG lifestyle. SWUG stands for “Senior Washed Up Girl”, and we haven’t identified with an acronym this hard since OG (aka Original Grandma). We have decided to impart our wisdom on the general public as to how to achieve SWUG prowess. As we all know, our actions speak louder than our words, so we will be drawing upon personal experiences to show y’all how to perfect SWUG livin’.
Step 1 | Take Advantage of People’s Generosity
Rachel will take the lead on this one. When Rachel decided to devote herself to being a washed up girl, she realized that she could make people do things for her and not feel bad about it. Case in point – Rachel, Merilla and some other people who aren’t that important to the story or Rachel’s life went to resident Snapchat bro Erlando Oconomos’s house for some mac n cheese and soda for the first get-together of senior year. While everyone caught up with each other and made genuine human connections, Rachel beelined for the couch, sat down and stated for all to hear “I am just going to sit here until someone gets me alcohol.” Sure enough, almost immediately someone handed her a glass of wine. During the night, Rachel successfully kicked off everyone that was on the couch, even her pseudo-husband Adam. When Erlando went to go get the mac n cheese from the kitchen, Rachel (with puppy dog eyes obviously) asked him to get her a bowl of mac n cheese, to which Erlando, the perfect gentleman, said “yes, of course, Rallen”. Ha. What a weakling. However, when he came back into the living room later, he accidentally forgot her food. Instead of telling Erlando immediately, Rachel waited for him to sit down on the floor (because she kicked him off the couch) to remind him to get her mac n cheese. His response? “Ah, I am so sorry Rachel. I completely forgot. Let me get some for you. I hope you can forgive me.” HE THEN GOT OFF THE FLOOR TO GET RACHEL THAT MAC. Hit up Rachel for more ways to make people your bitch.
Step 2 | Learn How to Budget
Unfortunately, when you get to be a senior, it’s likely that you’ll cut down on your meal plan. No more going to Carm three – even four – times a day for Belgian waffles. Now, we’re on either a 40 or 80 meal plan, and it’s been rough. We have to actually provide our own food. Well, Merilla has come up with the perfect plan for this that is detailed so eloquently in her recent sensational Facebook status that took the internet by storm. Someone give her a blog.
A $6 large pizza from Pizza Days could last three meals, easy. You (if you’re over 21!) could easily get two bottles of André for $12 at your local liquor store…actually, like anywhere. They sell André everywhere. It’s the MVP of cheap alcohol. Anyway, the point is that spending $18 a day for the essentials is really reasonable, especially considering you’ll be too tipsy to realize that Pizza Days pizza is not nearly as good as Helen’s…or Espresso…or Dewick…uh…SWUGs have no standards when it comes to certain aspects of their lifestyle. Merilla, as an example, doesn’t seem to care about her health as she consumes her third bluezone of the week, crying into her laptop while watching The Vampire Diaries, multiple exams on the horizon, and zero fudges to give! #SueUs. #DontActuallyThough. #WeNeedTheMoney. #ForBluezones. #CarpeVinum. #ThatMeansSeizeTheWineInLatin. #DirectQuoteFromCaesar. #CaesarSalad. #SomeoneStopUs.
Step 3 | Take Some Personal Time
No one has said it better than Donna Meagle and Tom Haverford when they said in unison, “Treat yo’self”. As a senior, you realize that the most important thing is your own physical, mental and emotional health. If that means sleeping for over twelve hours on a Friday night, so be it. Rachel has ditched multiple outings with her friends and has come up with a million excuses. Here are some of her favorites.
-My mom told me I can’t go (this still works in college)
-Uhhh I’m sick *cough cough*
-Sorry I’m watching the behind the scenes to the making of the movie Grease
-I’m soooooo behind on homework (actually rewatching Seinfeld)
-*just don’t answer the group text*
Step 4 | Rest After a Hard Day’s Work
People say napping is for the weak. We also say napping is for the weak. We are weak human beings, and we’re OK with that! But, seriously, if you’ve had a tough day, the inner SWUG in you should put off that reading just a bit longer and nap (after some mac n cheese of course…can you tell we’re really hungry while writing this?). There’s no shame in napping, even if it’s a couple hours long. This past Friday, Merilla slept from 10 p.m. until noon the next day. After showering, making a bowl of cereal, and watching a few episodes of Stranger Things, she decided she had done enough for the day and proceeded to nap from 3:30 p.m. to 6:00 p.m., almost missing two social events to which she had promised to go. In fact, if you follow her on Snapchat (@merilla, by the way) Merilla frequently says she’s “taking a nap” at around 4 p.m. and proceeds to wake up the next morning dazed, confused, and with a hundred texts from her friends telling her that taking a nap at 4 p.m. is just falling asleep in the middle of the day, and that she won’t wake up at 7 p.m. as planned. Those people are haters, and we don’t listen to haters. It’s 11 p.m. somewhere, so fall asleep when you damn please.
Step 5 (The Most Important) | Avoid The Future At All Costs
Senior year is that last barrier between you and…the…real…world. As a SWUG, you should treat the phrases “after college”, “graduate school”, and “job” like characters in Harry Potter treat “Lord Voldemort.” DON’T SAY IT. DON’T MENTION IT. DON’T THINK ABOUT IT. THE FUTURE DOESN’T EXIST. To do this, we recommend making the most of each day, and ~living in the moment~ if you will excuse such gross cliches. The GIM for our new TCU-funded group, “We Have No Idea What We’re Doing With Our Lives Club”, is next Sunday at noon (Location: TBD)!
Well, there you have it, folks. Follow these lifestyle guidelines and you are well on your way to becoming a SWUG. Let’s be clear, though. Being a SWUG is not just a way of life; it’s a mentality. Be one with the SWUG, and let the SWUG be one with you. Live by the hashtag, #carpevinum, take naps whenever you want, demand alcohol from your friends (in a nice way…not everyone will treat you the way our friends treat Rachel…they might just yell at you and call you “high maintenance”) and overall, just don’t give a fudge.
~stay weird, y’all~