Ah, the ladies of New York City. It feels like just yesterday that we left them in all their bitchy, menopausal glory—Dorinda, three martinis deep, was screaming at Heather during their farewell dinner, Luann coined the phrase “don’t be all…uncool” after a naked overnight guest overstayed his welcome, and Sonja may or may not have chipped her tooth after an erotic dance move went awry. But, as of two weeks ago, they’re BACK, and hurling accusations faster than you can say rhinoplasty.
The New Addition To The Crew:
New socialite/stay-at-home-mom-who-wants-you-to-know-how-hard-it-is-to-take-care-of-her-two-kids-and-town-house-in-the-Flat-Iron-district Julianne “Jules” Wainstein makes her debut in the absence of Kristen and Heather from last season. She’s Jewish Orthodox, was born in Hong Kong, and is “still full of hope” or something, as her spouseless, fellow-housewife Dorinda put it. She’s been with her husband for eight years, he’s a venture capitalist, they have two kids together, yadda yadda yadda. There’s already been whisperings about her rather skeletal frame—coming from castmate Bethenny Frankel who literally founded a brand called “Skinny Girl,” you know it’s serious. It seems like “eating disorder” will be a main topic of discussion this season, so buckle up.
Dorinda’s still with boyfriend/Godfather-extra/Dry Cleaning Supremo John
Spoiler alert: No one likes John, and it doesn’t look like anyone’s going to change their minds anytime soon. Oh, and did he mention he was in the dry cleaning business? Now that Dorinda’s daughter Hannah is moving out, it seems like the optimal time for John to swoop in on that lease—the pair has been together for some time so it would make sense. But, it doesn’t look like Dorinda’s ready to take that step in their relationship, and in the most recent episode, long-time friend and fellow Housewife Ramona, dispensed some pretttyyyy juicy and indicting gossip concerning John AMONG Dorinda and company. Did I mention it was at “brassiere party,” hosted by Dorinda, nonetheless? Yeah. Rule #238 in the Upper-East-Side-socialite handbook is never share gossip ABOUT the hostess IN FRONT of the hostess. Come on, Ramona. It’s almost as if that was STAGED or something. So, what started as a Ramona-led campaign got Bethenny to add fuel to the fire with her own anecdote about John, a.k.a. Shady McShadester, and mayhem ensued. If Ramona was really retelling the story for Dorinda’s benefit, she should have done what a good friend is supposed to do and have pulled Dorinda aside and told her John had been out one night without Dorinda and used some vulgar language to publicly talk about the pair’s sex life, including his apparent use of Viagra. A.) Um, gross. B.) WHY IS DORINDA STILL WITH JOHN???!
Bethenny Remains The Best Part Of The Whole Show
Totally #TeamBethenny over here. Also, Carole is pretty bomb, too. Where else can I get such hysterically biting commentary? Her apartment is finally finished, her divorce is still being dragged out, and she can really rock a motorcycle jacket.
Where is Sonja’s Kid?
So last time I checked, Sonja had a child? No? I think so. Even though she was never on camera, there were definitely mentions of her. Now, apparently she’s been shipped off to boarding school because “her father went, all of her father’s brothers went, so it would just make sense that she would go.” Interesting. At least Luann now has somewhere to stay when she “doesn’t feel like staying in a hotel for the night.” Win-win.
Carole and Adam are Still a Thing
What started out as just a mere fling between a exceptionally youthful-looking 50-something-year-old and a 20-something-man-bun-wearing chef has budded into a serious relationship. What a time to be alive. Carole’s still not on great terms with Luann ever since the whole reason Carole met Adam was because Adam served as Luann’s live-in chef for her house in the Hamptons. And he also dated Luann’s niece for a while. Oops? Carole’s awesome though. She doesn’t want any trouble, and she’s in love. She’s a widow, OK? Let’s cut her some slack.
Ramona’s Divorced and Ready to Go
Yep, Mario is gone, and Ramona’s better than ever. She and her hair extensions are hitting the dating scene pretty hard, and even though her daughter is grossed out by it (as are we), it’s like a really bad accident where you just can’t look away.
RHONY is like a botched Botox job: you know you shouldn’t stare, but you sort of have to, because it’s the closest you’ll ever get to that kind of lifestyle.