10 Tips for Frat Presidents to Survive the Ides of March

Well, the day is upon us, folks. Today, March 15th, marks the day Julius Caesar was stabbed to death in the Roman Senate in 44 B.C., and is commonly referred to as the Ides of March. According to Wikipedia, the term “Ides” comes from the way in which the Roman calendar was organized. Instead of the sequential system we’re familiar with today, the Roman calendar followed a lunar framework, and was split into three fixed points of the month: the Nones (the 5th or 7th), the Ides (the 15th or 17th), and the Kalands (the first of the proceeding month). Yeah, I don’t really get it either. Anyways, the story goes that sixty or so people were involved in the plotting of Caesar’s assassination—along with the infamous Brutus and Cassius duo— so this post serves as a warning to all the fraternity presidents who run Greek life here on campus.

1. Closely surveil anyone with a name remotely close to Brutus, Bruce, Bryce, Brandon, Brody, Brooks, Baccus, Brent, Cassius, Casey, Cody, Carson,Crispin, Cash, Cacanisius, etc. Just avoid anyone with names beginning with B or C. It should be really easy.

2. Skip any Senate meetings. That includes TCU Senate, too.

3. Don’t sleep with anyone named Cleopatra.

4. If you’re a political science major, run. Same goes for classics majors as well (all four of you).

5. If you’re name starts with J—Julian, John, Jonah, Justice, James, Jimmy, etc., stay inside all day with the curtains drawn and doors locked.

6. Avoid being stabbed in the back, or maybe just stay away from cutlery all together.

7. If you enjoy the Orange Julius beverage chain, and/or refreshment itself, find a new favorite drink.

8. Check with your mom to make sure you weren’t born Caesarean section. If you were, see #5.

9. Steer clear of Caesar salad, as well as its individual components, i.e. croutons, anchovies, parmesan cheese, etc.

10. Make sure all your debts are settled up. That includes (but is not limited to) last weekend when your friend Dave spotted you for a Blue Zone at Helen’s, and the weekend before that, and the one before that. Dave’s a good guy. Also, that Uber you “forgot” to split counts, too.

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