What Do Your Dreams Mean?

So if you’re one of the few people in the world who haven’t accepted us as medical professionals yet, this post is guaranteed to change your mind. As we may have mentioned once or twice, we have both taken introductory psychology classes at Tufts, so we know a thing or two about the mind. For example, we know that “the cocktail effect” is just a fancy terminology for being drunk after having one too many mojitos. You’re welcome. We’ve decided to delve into a specific subset of psychology— oneirology. That is in fact a real word and it describes the scientific study of dreams. Our beloved teacher, mentor, and homeboy, Freud, taught us to just make shit up with little to no scientific backing and hope that people believe you. So, without further ado, we’re here to decode the ~subconscious meaning~ of the most common dreams that people have.

So you dreamt your teeth were falling out…

Many people will tell you this means you have too much anxiety in your life, and we are here to tell you the same thing. Except we thought of it first. We swear. But unlike most oneirologists, we are gonna take it one step further: we’re gonna give you a plan to get rid of any stress in your life. First, don’t take any of your midterms. What are they even good for? (ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!) Next, watch as much TV as humanly possible to remove yourself from daily anxieties while escaping into a fictional universe. The final step is to burn all of your electronics and go off the grid Ron Swanson style. He’s never stressed and now neither are you. Grow an intense mustache if you’re feeling especially feisty.

So you dreamt about your friend/teacher/friend’s significant other…and it was steamy

We can neither confirm nor deny that we have had many of these types of dreams (*cough* Rachel *cough*), but it’s completely natural. Despite what it seems like, having a steamy dream about someone you know does not definitely mean you want to bone them or even that you’ve thought about boning them. Our minds are a weird, woven glob of connections, and sometimes, when you’re asleep and your guard is down, your brain makes sexual connections just to mess with your head. Once in a while, our brains get bored and want to make us uncomfortable just for the hell of it, essentially “punk’ing us.” That’s one explanation. Or you really do want to bone said person. You pick a side.

So you dreamt about a zombie apocalypse…

We get this a lot. It obviously means you’re eating too many bananas. Take it easy.

So you dreamt that you “kicked the bucket…”

If you dream that you died or were killed, then it shows that you’re having an existential and/or mid-life crisis. If you’re in college, consider it a quarter-life crisis. You’re probably thinking about making a big life change and are too scared to actually do it. Our advice? Do it. Because YOLO.*

So you dreamt about David Schwimmer…

Recently, Rachel has had multiple (yes multiple) dreams about David Schwimmer aka Ross Geller. In the last dream, Rachel was walking with a friend and walked past David Schwimmer and she turned to her friend and went, “OMG I just had a dream about him!” What does this Schwimmer-ception mean you ask? Well, it clearly means you thoroughly believe Rachel and Ross were on a break. Maybe you’ve told your friends the opposite, but deep down you know the truth. And that truth is reaching you through your dreams, so just let it be.

So you dreamt you were being chased…

Clearly the end of one of the shows that you’re binge-watching is approaching and you’re having pre-withdrawal anxiety from that. You know the end is near and you’re torn between rushing through it just to find out what happens at the end and making the last few episodes last as long as possible so you don’t feel such a huge void after you finish. Our advice would be to start another show as you’re finishing your current one so that by the time you finish the first, you are already so invested in the second that you don’t feel as bad. It’s just like dealing with a really bad breakup except this is obviously much worse.

So you dreamt your partner was cheating on you…

Well either you’re cheating and feel guilty about it, you’re worried your partner is cheating, or you’ve been drinking too much soda.  We can help you with the first two…not so much the last one.  As well as being trained oneirologists, we are also psychics (#overachievers, much?). So please email us at therealpsychics—noseriouslywearepsychics@hotmail.com or call us at 1-800-PSY-CHIX so that we can give you a reading and find out if it’s you or your partner who is being an unfaithful little shit. Don’t worry. All our readings are kept in confidence except for the few times we include them in blog posts and/or post them on our tumblrs and/or subtweet about them and/or make angsty Facebook statuses about them. Your secrets are safe with us, though! Not really, but kind of!

So you dreamt about Nicolas Cage’s toes…

Dreaming of Nicolas Cage’s toes is a sign that the world is ending and that aliens are coming to take over. Call the White House immediately. Go into hiding. Bring nonperishables. Aliens are coming. They are not peaceful. Print out all of our blog posts so that you can reread them even in your darkest times and laugh at our A+ jokes.

*Neither Jumbo Beat nor we hold any liability for anything that results from your rash decisions. Please don’t sue us. We can’t handle conflict.

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