Almost everyone who knows me knows that I’ve been in a long-term relationship for the past (almost) four years, three of which have been long-distance. Upon first meeting people, the go-to response when I tell them this is, “Aww…that’s so cute” even though they’ve never met my boyfriend and have no idea if he’s actually cute or not. Most of the youths would then ask me at another point during the night, “But don’t you get bored of each other?” or “How have you kept it interesting for so long?” OK first of all, it’s only been four years. I’ve been living for twenty-one and have managed to stay pretty interesting (ask my friends). In my head, I want to sarcastically give some bullshit response like, “You know, you just find beautiful things every day to be appreciative for and it makes the relationship feel new all over again,” simply because the people who are asking me these questions are usually just trying to make small talk and don’t really care about the answer, but instead I say something nice because I get too nervous to be that sassy to people I barely know, ya feel. But really, it’s for their benefit. They’re not physically, mentally, or emotionally prepared to hear the answers to those questions. But you are (I’m making a big assumption here… I really have no idea whether you are or not). Well, take a seat and makes sure you’re comfortable because I’m about to divulge my best secrets on how to keep your long-term relationship alive even if you’re miles apart from your boo thang/honey suckle/sweetums/etc.
Step One: Take Risks Together
Think of something you thought you’d never do with your partner. Skydiving? Performing an exorcism? Stealing the Declaration of Independence? I’m still struggling to get my boyfriend to try out Scientology with me but I’m sure he’ll come around. Convincing your partner to take a joint risk is all just part of the experience. Just make sure you’re being safe. If you would rate the risk at an eight or above on the safety scale (1 being super safe and 10 being super not safe), it’s probably best you don’t try it out. Examples of these kind of high-risk activities include murder, other felonies, and voting for Donald Trump.
Step Two: Have A Staring Contest
Start off easy with a staring contest. However, don’t fall into the trap of staring into each other’s eyes as most people do during staring contests because eyes are the “portals into the soul” or whatever. Toes. Toes are the true windows into the souls. Each of you should take five minutes to just stare at the other person’s toes. No talking. Just staring and bonding. It will help you get a better understanding of each other and believe me, you’ll feel like a totally different couple afterwards.
Step Three: Find a TV Show to Bond Over
For example, the other day, my boyfriend and I were about to watch The Knick on my laptop (very good show by the way; I highly recommend it). However, instead of turning on The Knick, I quickly and stealthily opened YouTube and made him watch a heartbreaking scene from the previous night’s episode of The CW’s The 100 even though he’s totally not into that. I really felt connected to the characters in that moment, the 10th time I had watched and cried over the scene, and I’m sure he and I bonded or something. I think I saw an exchange of light between our hands at some point but that could have just been a glare — I’m not sure.
Step Four: Chill
Let the chill flow within you. Become one with the chill.
Step Five: Spark Serum (Serves 2)
Below is the secret recipe for my Spark Serum,* which has kept my boyfriend and me going for years. Note that there is no vegan alternative so all you vegans out there are going to have to choose between veganism and true love. Sucks. You can find all these ingredients at your local grocery store, Chemistry lab, witch coven, fictional universe, and Guy Fieri’s house.
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 human eyeball, drained of all fluid
Joy, the movie starring JLaw (DVD and Blu-ray copies both acceptable), coarsely ground
1 egg yolk
1/2 cup milk
1 teaspoon sodium oxide, finely ground
1 cup water
Timmy Turner’s dad’s hopes and dreams
White male tears, to taste
Snippets of Guy Fieri’s hair (optional for added texture)
Combine all ingredients thoroughly however you see fit until the mixture becomes liquefied enough to drink. Get our your fancy wine glasses, pour one for you and your boo, cheers “to the freakin’ weekend,” and bask in everlasting love. Emphasis on everlasting. This is permanent. Drink once every month during the full moon so I can absorb your power. You’ll start feeling the lovey-dovey effects almost immediately.
Disclaimer (best read so quickly that no one can understand what you’re saying and therefore don’t care enough to ask questions): *Spark Serum is not to be ingested with any of the following medications: Viagra, Tylenol, Advil, Aleve…Just skip any Ibuprofen all together actually. No NyQuil or its variants (e.g. ZzzQuil)…Actually just skip all medications. Also don’t drink it with water. And don’t eat anything 24 hours before ingesting Spark Serum. Be careful while exercising for 24 hours after ingesting Spark Serum because it could cause you to feel lightheaded. Spark Serum could cause the following side effects: runny nose, extreme gassiness, a tendency to be super shady, twitching, a mild urge to lick strangers’ elbows, all the hair on your body falling off, drowsiness, exploding veins, drunkenness, hallucinations, cardiac unrest (a less serious version of cardiac arrest during which your misbehaving cardiac is released on parole), etc. If you experience any of these side effects, please do not go to your doctor or anyone else because Spark Serum is not FDA-approved, and I could get in some serious trouble. Just walk it off.
There you have it, folks. Those are my five most important tips when trying to keep your long-term relationships healthy, exciting, and happy. Now go and frolic in the meadows while you can! You’re still young and have the energy! It won’t last long!