Last Friday, the lifestyle website Refinery29 published an article detailing Gwyneth Paltrow’s morning smoothie routine, because yes, we were all dying to know. Now, I consider myself someone who eats healthily. I shop at Whole Foods (sometimes), I’ve swapped out peanut butter for almond butter on two occasions, I eat a lot of salad, I use coconut oil (in my hair), and when I’m feeling ambitious, I put chia seeds in my smoothies. But, Gwyneth, come on, girl. Where the hell am I supposed to find ashwagandha? That sounds like a disease you get from a troll under a bridge. All jokes aside, I really don’t know who she’s catering to. Some of the items on this list are so obscure and expensive it’s unrealistic to expect anyone to make a breakfast like this. Not to mention it looks like a ~bleak~ as hell way to start your day. So, in solidarity with plebes like you, I attempted to blend a smoothie that mirrors the one below as best I could.
The ingredients start out seemingly basic enough:
1 cup almond milk
1 tbsp almond butter
1 tsp coconut oil
1 pinch Hamalayan sea salt
OK, OK,….all things I can find at Whole Foods for $40, easy enough.
But then it gets weird:
1 tsp maca
1 tsp ashwagandha
1 tsp he shou wu
1 tsp cordyceps
Umm….sorry, what? I’m 99% sure that maca’s that green tea stuff you can go to a hip cafe in Williamsburg for, right? But, cordyceps?? According to Wikipedia, they’re a mushroom extract and apparently all the rage in the superfood community. Because nothing says rise and shine like some liquid fungus!
And, ashwagandha? My good ol’ friend WebMD says it’s a plant—the root and berry are cultivated to make a powder or tonic that can be used to reduce anxiety, arthritis, fibromylagia, and an array of different ailments. Also, WebMD says, “The root has a strong aroma that is described as ‘horse-like.’” Yum.
Annnd it gets weirder:
2 tsp Vanilla Mushroom Protein Powder
1 tsp Moon Dust of choice
1 pinch vanilla powder (optional) **how is this different from the vanilla protein powder above?**
“Moon Dust of choice?!” Are you serious?? I had no idea what this could possibly be. Dust left over since the last time I used the blender? So, I looked on GP’s website, Goop.com, and searched, “Moon Dust,” and stumbled on the treasure trove of moon dusts. Goop sells several different moon dust products, all aimed at improving different areas of health. Dusts are as follows: Brain Dust, Beauty Dust, Spirit Dust, Sex Dust, Goodnight Dust, and Action Dust, priced at $55 and up. Yep, folks—super affordable.
Gwyneth on her smoothie: “You have to buzz it on high, so it [the coconut oil] really kind of melts into it; otherwise, you get little bits of cold coconut oil…And by the way, this is an extremely basic version — you can put in bananas or berries. Sometimes I put in half of a sweet potato and make like a little pumpkin pie smoothie. And that’s really it.”
Wow. Half a sweet potato—what a treat! Basically Thanksgiving!
So, in the spirit of both health and absurdity, I tried recreating GP’s morning smoothie with items I already had in my house, and here’s what happened.
You can blame good marketing and frizzy hair for the fact that I had all this stuff.
In lieu of cordyceps, ashwaganda, and other items that are hard to pronounce, I threw in some spices! They’re kind of like healing tonics, and they taste GREAT!
Then, I figured, why not have fun with it?! What adds pizazz better than some old tahini and a squirt of lemon juice?
And last, for the moon dust, you can just substitute in a ground up vitamin of your choice! I had some Vitamin C lying around, so I ground it up and voila, I give you “Immune Boosting Dust” for only $8!
How’s that for some “SEX dust,” Gwyneth?
Behold, the finished product. The perfect, healthy way to start your day. So. much. yum.