Y’all thought Super Tuesday was important? Well, we’re here to bring you something even better: Super Duper (the “Duper” is optional) Monday. We’d like to first apologize that we dropped the ball on the blog last week. We were both out of town for the weekend, got back to our home bases really late, and didn’t feel like we could churn out a ~quality~ post as per usual. So, we’re back at it this week with a super special (and actually kinda relevant!) blog post to make up for it. You may have noticed that there is this whole presidential election thing going on in the U.S. of A. We’re abroad and even our respective host countries are talking about it. Contrary to popular belief, our current President, Obama, despite being a total G, has less than a year left in office before finally relinquishing his spot on the Iron Throne.When asked what he was gonna do after his presidency, Obama said, “Mofos I’m about to hit up Buffalo Wild Wings 4 dayzzzz.” Same, Obama. Same. Last Tuesday, a bunch of states voted in the primaries, which are kind of like a dress rehearsal for the actual election. It’s super fun, so they call it Super Tuesday. Damn America. Back at it again with the creativity.
Now, do you find yourself utterly and hopelessly confused about the whole process and the candidates that are competing to lead our country for the next four years? Well we can’t help you with the first part because we have no idea how these ~delegates~ work, but we can bring you the juicy deets on all the candidates. We encourage you all to use these profiles when deciding who to vote for because we (uh actually just Rachel, Merilla knows zero things about politix whereas Rachel knows two things about politix) watch Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and clearly know what we are talking about. Also, How To Get Away with Murder has helped us brush up on our constitutional knowledge and following the Constitution is what America is all about, right? As we say “Obamonos” to Obama, let’s check in with the people currently in the running for Prez. Kickin’ it off in style with the Democrats aka “Those Goddamn Liberals!”
Hillary Clinton aka Hilly Bill Clinton | Political Party: The Greenbacks
Hillary Clinton has probably already won. We like her pantsuits because we could never rock them but wish she would complement them with a bold fanny pack once in a while. She always seems so calm, you know? From what we read, she supports America, freedom, free biscuits for all, and thinks that Kendrick Lamar’s To Pimp A Butterfly should have won the Grammy for Album of the Year. People think she’s trying too hard to relate to the youths, but rumor is she can rap Backseat Freestyle better than Merilla…and that gives her bonus points in our book. She’s a pretty cool chick, but if we ever got the chance to meet her we would honestly just want to get the inside scoop on her marriage to Big Bill Clinton. Is this a legit relationship? Did he really invent the BLT? What is the length of his…favorite pair of trousers? We want to get him a Christmas gift. Rachel’s mom, Eedz, promptly told Rachel asking about Hillary’s private life would be inappropriate, but in response to that, we would like to bring up Amendment Five of the Constitution that states, “YOLO.”
Bernie Sanders aka Pretty Boi Swag | Political Party: Larry David Lovers Club
#FeeltheBern. When we first heard this, we thought this was a hashtag either trying to bring awareness to sunburns or chlamydia. Oh, how wrong we were. According to Ask Jeeves, Bernie Sanders is a professional sander that sands down wooden objects. Word on the street is that he was the inspiration for the character Aiden in Sex and the City. Tbh we would support Aiden for president. Amendment Seven of the Constitution says we can make fictional characters president. Look it up.
Mark Ruffalo aka Mark Buffalo | Political Party: Hulk
Okay so initially, this seems like a horrible idea. Do we really want a president that can’t control his temper? The answer is yasssss. Think about it—if a country gets on our bad side, our president turns into a green BAMF and just smashes everything. We usually don’t support childish temper tantrums, but we think that would be the most effective foreign policy the United States has ever seen.
Think you’ve made up your mind as to who to vote for? Not so fast, you impulsive youths. We’ve still got to tell you all about the Republicans aka Right-Wingers. Note that the term “Right-Wingers” has nothing to do with chicken wings and you should therefore not vote for a Republican simply because you like chicken wings. You have been warned.
Ted Cruz aka Cruz $hip | Political Party: There Was Room On The Driftwood For Rose and Jack
Cruz’s entire campaign is built on the idea that there was in fact room for both Rose and Jack on that piece of wood at the end of Titanic. He feels so strongly about this that he even created his own political party dedicated to it. His goal is to garner enough support that he can create a time machine, go back in time to the mid-1990s when James Cameron was directing Titanic, and make sure that both Rose and Jack survived. His celebrity endorsements include Leonardo DiCaprio and Josh from Drake and Josh. Unfortunately, Drake was too busy being pranked by Megan to comment.
Marco Rubio aka “You Can Call Me Marc *wink*” | Political Party: HaRubio Gummy Bears
Rubio’s easy on the eyes so we have a bit of a soft spot for him, but we won’t let our attraction to older men unjustly sway our vote. Yeah, we don’t really have much more for him except we think he’s cute. Also, we are about 65% sure he´s from Florida, which means he’s definitely eaten alligator before and that weirdly turns us on.
John Kasich aka We’ve Never Heard of Him Either | Political Party: Unknown
While everyone is off claiming that Ted Cruz is The Zodiac Killer, we’ve come to tell you that those allegations are false and that The Zodiac Killer is actually John Kasich. “Who’s that?” you might be thinking to yourself. We don’t really know. But he seems a little shady. The Zodiac Killer is inherently shady. So he must be The Zodiac Killer. It’s simple logic, guys. We can’t believe we’re the first people to figure this out. Be warned that if you vote for him, he will kill all the astrologers in the world and make sure that the newspaper never has the daily predictions for each Zodiac sign.
Donald Trump aka Donald Drumpf aka The Literal Worst | Political Party: The All-Republican Rejects
John Oliver’s segment has all you need to know about Trump. His party hates him so much that he had to form his own called “The All-Republican Rejects” (not to be confused with the angsty band, The All-American Rejects). He’s like that troublemaker kid on TV shows who had to sit in the corner of the classroom with a dunce cap on. Trump started out as just another one of those guys on the hair loss commercials for Rogaine before turning to politics. His token facial expression makes him look like he is constantly yet happily constipated aka living the carefree life but still kind of struggling. His motto alternates between “Let’s Make America Poop Again” and “Let’s Make America Hairy Again.” We may not be psychologists, but it seems like he’s projecting his own issues onto the American people???? Maybe some Mommy issues??? Daddy issues??? Just general issues???? @Freud, help us out here. At first we were baffled as to how Trump could have garnered so many followers but then we realized that he is totally a closet Brony and therefore is attracting the support of all the other closet Bronies, fuckboys, racists, (insert more shady people here) of America. But that’s none of our business…
We weren’t on top of our shit enough to cast absentee ballots, but we will for sure be back in action this fall to vote for our new president. #Murica.
Stay weird, y’all.