Why Ted Cruz Is Definitely the Zodiac Killer

From 1968 into the 1970s, a mysterious person murdered individual victims and gave puzzling clues to the police regarding his or her identity. Over a period of a few years, this enigma dubbed as the Zodiac Killer murdered about 37 people and created an atmosphere of fear in the city of San Francisco. Luckily, after the 1970s, the Zodiac Killer disappeared, and the world never found out the killer’s true identity. Until now.

The world has come under the suspicion that the Zodiac Killer is Republican presidential candidate Rafael Edward Cruz, who prefers to go by “Ted.” Maybe he uses the name “Ted” to try and seem more down-to-earth toward voters and people in general. Or maybe he’s just trying hard to hide some things. All we do know is that according to a poll from Public Policy Polling, which as far as I know is just some boring data collecting think tank, 28% of voters of Florida answered that Ted Cruz might be the Zodiac Killer— 10% of voters thought that there was a good chance he was actually was the killer! This data shows either that random people asked to answer a stupid telephone survey don’t take it seriously or… that Ted Cruz  should be suspected of being the infamous Zodiac Killer. I believe in the latter, and here is why.

First, Cruz was born in 1970, two years after the Zodiac murders began; however, the spirit of Ted Cruz was well and alive. Ted Cruz claims to have a logic that the government should not find ways to help citizens because God can help with everything, but since most Christians view a need to actively help people as an important facet of their religion, it’s more likely that Ted Cruz is naturally evil. As most Republican politicians and I know, a life begins at the moment when a man and a woman decide to have unprotected sex for whatever reason.When his parents began Ted Cruz’s life in probably 1962, his spirit was unleashed onto the world as a dark cloud that could have easily been the Zodiac Killer.  When his spirit was born, he had not been enriched with American and Judeo-Christian values, so the spirit made decisions based on natural instincts. In Ted Cruz’s case, these decisions could have been about killing people.

Second, Ted Cruz is a fairly smart guy that is diabolical enough to be the Zodiac Killer. He got accepted into Princeton as an undergraduate without paying to get in, which is an accomplishment, even in the 80s, when getting into Princeton was actually possible.

Third, Cruz’s voice has a certain charisma that drags you into a lull, which allows you to be persuaded more effectively. This voice lulls like a Kenny G sax solo and causes everyone who listens to relax. Ted Cruz has a lovely voice. It’s a voice lovely enough to convince anyone to fall for his evil plans. And it’s a perfect tool for one of the world’s most infamous serial killers to use.

Fourth, he views complete puppets of the Illuminati like Donald Trump as people he can actually defeat. His abrasive stance against the Illuminati demonstrates his hatred against society, which represses his desires to murder, scare entire cities, and inspire movies.

Fifth, speaking of movies, there’s no way that Ted Cruz would allow Hollywood to have success in his name. Using his clever tactics, he prevented the 2007 movie “Zodiac” from making a profit at the box office. The film did not profit over its $85 million budget, despite the star power of Robert Downey Jr., the advertisement that the movie was directed by the director of cult classic Fight Club, and an 89% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Ted Cruz needed to keep his past as secret as possible in order to become a successful senator and pursue his dreams of causing terror in a socially acceptable manner.

Sixth, one socially acceptable way in which Cruz unleashes his wrath is through his staunch defense of the Constitution. Cruz fights every day to make sure that the noble document is respected. A fight to defend the strength of the institution of American law is understandable because of the need of strong institutions in order for a democracy to be successful, but a disregard for changing times and bothering to critique human beings that knew they weren’t making something perfect is hardly comprehensible. His fight to defend the constitution is a manner to unleash aggression.

Seventh, look at his nose. Isn’t it kind of creepy?

Eighth, another notable quality of the Zodiac Killer can be seen through how Cruz has no trust in the state of Iran. Although it’s likely he distrusts Iran for good reasons, Cruz doesn’t trust the Iranian immigrant who’s the manager of a McDonald’s in West L.A. either. His lack of trust is another quality for a serial killer and sociopath to have.

Ninth, Cruz righteously defends the second amendment and wants innocent Americans to own items such as assault weapons. This ability for Americans to defend themselves adequately makes the task of murdering more challenging and stimulating for a seasoned serial killer like Mr. Cruz.

Tenth, Ted’s fights against abortion practices would allow more people to be born. Ted Cruz says on his campaign website, “We must cherish and defend [life]. Without life, there is no liberty.” If more people are born, then there will be more people for Cruz to terrorize along with more traumatic childhoods brought about by parents who could not afford to raise a child. If more people are born, the police force could be overwhelmed, so a good amount of people will have the liberty to do whatever horrible deed they want. Once the police force of this country is overwhelmed, the reign of the Zodiac Killer will begin. And then I’ll be grateful for the Tufts foreign language proficiency requirement so I can move to another country.

In a nutshell, even if I’m wrong and Ted Cruz isn’t the Zodiac Killer, it’s still not a good idea to vote for him. A Cruz presidency would be far from a cruise into American prosperity.



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