An Ode to Lululemon Yoga Pants

*Disclaimer: I mean no disrespect to those who enjoy and cherish their Lululemon clothing. All the power to you. Put simply, I’m sick of my self-confidence depending on how I look in spandex. I’m also sick of being #broke af, and Lululemon isn’t helping that cause. So, in this case, I’d rather laugh than cry.*

**Second disclaimer: I don’t pretend to be a good poet.**


In the sale section is where we first met

Cash was tight—forty dollars just seemed so right.

Now labeled “basic,” I wanted to fret

And friends warned that you may feel very tight.


But tight, shmight–you said you’d craft a good butt.

Once delivered, I raced to try you on

And with sausage-link for calves, “TOO TIGHT!” barked my mutt.

Feeling insecure, I wanted you gone


You wasted my time and my credit card

Perhaps I’d have better luck at Baby Gap .

Frankly, I should eat more cake, less kale and chard

And this is the last time I’ll fall for your trap.


Bodies that skinny don’t really exist

Now please excuse me, I must go read my geology book on Schist.







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