Our Most Embarrassing Stories: Unrated, Uncut, Uncensored

We know what you all are thinking: “Aren’t Rachel and Merilla perfect human beings who have no flaws?” We’re sorry to break it to you, but despite what ancient myths tell you, we are, in fact, normal plebes like yourselves. We don’t like to admit it, but we tend to make mistakes from time to time. In this blog post, we’re going to divulge our most human moments in an attempt to break free, because we are all in this together and gotta get our heads in the game. Side note: “Can you tell I’ve just spent the past 45 minutes watching High School Musical reunion videos?” -Rachel. Side side note: “That sentence literally makes 0 sense, Rachel.” -Merilla

Rachel learns how words work

Rachel recently realized how vocabulary works and would like to teach you all her favorite words that she has learned.

approximately (adjective): another word for “exactly.” The “x” in approximately means “X marks the spot” right? Here’s how to use it in a sentence: “Hey Beyonce! I’m approximately 24.7 minutes away from your house. Can’t wait to party!”

carnigan (noun): a sweater with buttons

cultimated (we’re not really sure what part of speech this is tbh): all of your life has been leading up to this one moment

cultivated (adjective???): synonymous with cultimated

volumptuous (adjective): lumpy or having a lot of volume

50 Shades of Awkward

Let’s begin this segment with a disclaimer that we don’t actually like 50 Shades of Grey, we’ve just read all the books and have watched the movie multiple times. Picture this: it’s finals week Spring 2015. We’re stressed. You’re stressed. So, naturally, we decide to hold a 50 Shades of Grey showing in one of the Aidekman classrooms. We picked an empty room, searched the sketchy parts of the internet for the movie (it was still in theaters at this point), and streamed it from a sketchy site that had Chinese subtitles. Whatever. We’re even able to convince our friend Ambika to join us! We hijack Hodgdon snacks and make a night of it. About halfway through the movie, during one of the real ~intimate~ moments, a student group (we think an a cappella group??? sry bubs) walks into the classroom we are using. The volume is turned up and there is a penis projected onto the whiteboard (legit. a REAL PENIS. the sketchy site had the uncensored version) and the student group just awkwardly apologizes and slams the door shut. We then hear them laughing uncomfortably through the walls. They must have thought we were some weird sex cult or something. Or Twilight fans. Not sure which is worse.

Rachel learns how fingerprints work

Rachel figured that everyone and everything knew her and Merilla were one entity…including those dopes at Apple. She has been called Merilla on multiple occasions and, despite not being Merilla, answers every time. So when the iPhone 6 got ~fancy~ with its Touch ID, Rachel thought she would be able to use Merilla’s phone no problem. Rachel grabbed Merilla’s phone, planning to text “hey wassup ;)” to all her contacts. Unfortunately, Merilla’s phone only opens to the touch of Merilla’s fingerprints. Say whaaaaaaaaat. Rachel, being very stressed and freaked out, asked Merilla to fix it. Merilla then had to explain to Rachel how fingerprints are specific to one person and not even our ~oneness~ could break the laws of forensic science.

Merilla’s modeling career is cut short

April of her senior year, Merilla and her family took a trip to London for spring break. They went to all the classic touristy sites and took hundreds of photos ~for the mems~. While they were at one of London’s most famous sites—Trafalgar Square—Merilla decided she wanted to take a picture sitting on the ledge of its central fountain. Merilla got a few dec photos taken despite not being photogenic in the slightest. There was a huge group of tourists next to her striking wild poses on the edge of the fountain. Merilla, finding this amusing, decided to pose like they were— on one leg and making weird body contortions. It was then that Merilla, the graceful being that she is, fell into the fountain. Literally. Just fell into the fountain. She was wearing a super cute outfit that day too. Everyone laughed. It was mortifying. #Karma.

Rachel doesn’t know how pregnancy works; humanity breathes a sigh of disappointment

We would like to preface this with a shout-out to Rachel’s freshman roommate, Sarah, for helping Rachel figure this one out. Rachel didn’t know that when you’re pregnant you don’t get your period. Rachel would like to defend herself even though this is defenseless. She always heard people saying they “missed” or “skipped” their period, and she always thought that it meant the period would just come back a month or two later and that one month off meant you were pregnant. Her logic was this: If you’re playing that card game Uno and you pick up the card that says you skip a turn, you only skip one turn but then are able to play in the next round. She assumed the female reproductive system worked the same way as Uno because why wouldn’t it? The most embarrassing part about this is that Rachel did not learn how periods and pregnancy worked until she was 18, a freshman in college. Rachel would like to put all the blame on the Floridian education system for really f*cking her over. #’Murica.

Jello. It’s Me(rilla).

Last semester, Merilla went to her BFFLs’ (Miranda and Becca aka ‘Der and Bex) house to hang out with them and other friends before they all went abroad. They live on the second floor of their house so Merilla had to wait outside for one of them to come down and let her in. While she was waiting, a girl who lived on the first floor walked out of the house. Having excellent social skills, Merilla, trying to casually say “hello,” instead says “jello.” The girl looked at Merilla really strangely and Merilla was overcome with internal panic. Her mind told her to abort the mission of human interaction, but Merilla was determined to redeem herself. For some reason, she thought the girl asked her how she was doing when she really just said “OK” in response to Merilla’s spaz. So, naturally, Merilla says “I’m good” in response to this girl clearly trying to get the f*ck away from her. This short and bizarre conversation is where Merilla’s social interaction abilities truly peaked.

See? Celebrities (a.k.a. us)! They’re just like you! Except not. Stop fooling yourself. Everything’s a lie.

Stay weird, y’all.

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