Jello…We’re good, America! We sure did miss you this winter break. Both of us spent our winter breaks living in a coma of binge-watching Netflix shows (Parks and Rec for Merilla and Once Upon a Time/Making a Murderer for Rachel). Rachel now wants to stop all the injustices in the criminal judicial system in the United States, while Merilla wants to create the ultimate “Treat Yo’self” day.
#BreakingNews for people who have been living under Patrick Star’s rock for a few months: Neither of us are currently in the United States and won’t be for another few months. TUPD started to pick up on our pattern of breaking into Tufts buildings “unintentionally,” and they hired the government to “take care of us.” While Rachel naïvely thought this meant they would give us gift cards to Massage Envy, Merilla read between the lines and knew we had to “get out of the country A$AP Rocky/Ferg/Yams/etc.” So, we both lied to our parents and told them we were going on study abroad programs, but really we are fugitives. It’s on the down low, though, so be cool about it. Merilla is seeking oasis in the United Kingdom and Rachel in Spain. We’d now like to open it up for any questions you all have. Ah, yes, you sir in the back wearing the homemade Merilla & Rachel fan t-shirt, what’s your question?
Clingy fan: Hey guys, first I want to say that I’m your biggest fan. It’s an honor just to be here today. Also, I have a question. Why did you separate yourselves if you were on the run? Can you even function without seeing each other every two hours?
Us: First of all that’s two questions, you psycho. We separated from each other because we knew that our separation would throw the government off and confuse them. We hoped they would eventually give up the pursuit and focus on more pressing matters…like bringing back the ostrich statue. Just reading your second question gives us anxiety so we’re going to go with a “no comment” on that one.
That’s right, guys—we have no idea how we are surviving without each other. We keep in touch via Whatsapp and Skype (there’s no way a little distance would prevent us from our weekly Reign viewings every Friday). Luckily there is only a one-hour time difference (for the full, dramatic story behind this time zone difference, contact Rachel). Here’s how we’ve been doing in Europe:
Rachel eats as much cheese as humanly possible
We’ll let you in on a little-known secret, Rachel is a paranoid person. The program center warned of pick-pocketers, and ever since then Rachel wears her bag under her winter coat at all times (and constantly checks to make sure everything is accounted for). So a few days ago Rachel got on the metro during rush hour, huge bag underneath her jacket. An older woman who was sitting down saw Rachel, stood up and let Rachel take her seat. The only possible reasoning behind this is that she thought Rachel was pregnant. Rachel, of course, took the seat and pushed out her stomach as much as possible.
Merilla goes to the club and almost gets into a fight
All dedicated readers of our blog will know our dear friend Orlando Economos— the muse for our scientific study on what guys’ Snapchats really mean. He is currently studying abroad in London and so, naturally, Merilla goes to visit him for a night on the town. After a few (legal!) drinks, they hit up Club Aquarium. After a few minutes on the dance floor, Orlando leans over and tells Merilla to look at the dude behind them who was wearing a very tight and revealing gym tank because he looked like a fool. Said guy then walks up to Orlando, pulls him in close, and demands to know why Orlando was looking at him and laughing. At this point, Merilla’s thinking that this buildup of testosterone is just all fun and games but then gym tank dude shoves Orlando and tries to go in for the kill (metaphorically…kind of) and has to be restrained by his friends. Merilla was low-key pretty excited because she had always wanted to punch someone and this was her chance, but unfortunately, both dudes cooled down and she was forced to enjoy a safe, fun, brawl-lacking night at the club. Until next time…
On the outside, it may look like we are having the time of our lives. And we are. Rachel is loving home-cooked Spanish meals from her host mother and Merilla eats a package of digestive cookies every few days. We’re hype (adj. very excited in a youthful way) to continue the blog this semester and recount all our adventures abroad and temporary remedies for our separation anxiety. Now, you’ll have to excuse us as we both have dates with this hunk named Netflix and can’t be bothered to be social human beings.
Stay weird, y’all.