TBT: The Formation of the United States

197 years ago today, everyone’s favorite state — Illinois (lol) — finally became a state. There’s so much to appreciate about Illinois: it’s the birthplace of potatoes, Zach Braff, and analog clocks. But why appreciate just one state today? Let’s take a little trip back to 800 AD — the day that the last state, Florida, finally joined the cool kids crowd. We both know people who took AP US History, so we don’t want to say that we’re experts on American history, but…we’re experts on American history.

Genesis

Becoming an American state was a rite of passage and each colony that wanted to become a state had to send a representative to compete in a Survivor-esque competition to see who was worthy. 100 states went into the infamous State Games of 800 AD and only 49 came out. In a surprising turn of events, however, Florida somehow managed to escape the State Games arena and hijack the cool kids bus which was reserved for the other 49 winning states. The competition was a complete bloodbath. You may be wondering why your history books and teachers never mentioned the 800 AD State Games. The live games were televised and mandatory viewing between noon and 3 p.m. every day for the month-long event. To prevent the colonies from turning on him, Sauron, America’s first President, replaced the really gory clips with segments from Charlie the Unicorn. Thankfully, the states, now united (Do you get it? Do you get why they’re called the “United States”? Do you get it? Do you get the joke? Tell us we’re funny. Sorry, that was unprofessional.), have avoided electing any corrupt presidents since then. Go team.

Deuteronomy

Once the 50 shades — uh, we mean states…Freudian slip? — had finally gotten together, they decided that having a Dark Lord as a president was probably not a good call. The Bolsheviks, led by J.R.R. Tolkien, began the revolt against Sauron. At the final battle at the Mount Doom house, they sprayed him with water and, at last, he was defeated (take some notes, Frodo). Then, the states kind of let everyone do their own thing. Who needs rules, right? #NoSauronNoRules started trending on MySpace because Facebook wasn’t a thing yet and everything seemed great until one state messed up. Take a guess as to who it was.

Lamentations

Everyone knew that Florida was the odd state out, but no one ever really talked about it. It’s like that dude who sits with you at lunch, but you’re not really sure who they are, so you kind of let them do their thing without engaging them very much. So, Florida (yes, the entire state) thought it was a good idea to take up witchcraft as a new fad because alligator-wrestling had become boring. The entire state got together after someone discovered an old spell book called Do Not Touch. Seriously. Do Not Touch. You Will Bring About the Apocalypse If You Open This Book And Use Any of Its Spells. So, naturally, the Floridian representative had a thousand copies made for every person who lived in Florida at the time. Everyone started messing around with spells and when someone found one that said “Bring Evil Dark Lords Back to Life”, they were so intrigued they just had to try it! Long story short: Florida messed up…again and brought Sauron back to life.

Proverbs

The moral of the story is this: don’t bring dark lords back to life because they will secretly inhabit the bodies of all the presidents to come for all eternity. And this is exactly what has happened in the United States. How do we — very good-looking, intelligent and above average bloggers — know this information, you may be wondering? You make be asking yourself, “why hasn’t the FBI done anything about this?” The answer to that is our answer for everything: it’s all a conspiracy. Lookin’ at you, Obama. We know you’re really Sauron incarnated; you’re fooling no one (except the entire country, but it’s fine). So, in case you wanted to know the truth about this place we call America, there it is. All those scary FBI dudes are just Uruk-hai wearing human skin. So, if you need someone to thank for the fact that our entire government will forever be run by the Dark Lord Sauron and a bunch of flesh-eating Uruk-hai, then thank Florida.

That concludes our mini-history lesson. Stay in school, kids!

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