Advice For Next Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It’s a holiday that’s more about appreciating family than commercialism, and also an excuse to pig out. I’m thankful to be able to celebrate this holiday, and I’m thankful for my life. However, there’s always room for improvement. So here are some tips inspired by my experiences to ensure the best Thanksgiving possible for next year.

1. Don’t start Tony Romo as quarterback for your fantasy football team. He’s the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. (This is also general life advice.)

2. Make sure the oven is on when you put the turkey in it.

3. Pro tip: Preheat the oven before cooking the turkey.

4. If you’re in college and still stuck at the kid’s table, assert your dominance by upgrading your drink of choice from apple juice to sparkling water.

5. Find the most comfortable place to sit in the house in which you can pass out later after eating several plates of food.

6. Keep in mind that sweet potatoes and yams are the same thing in American supermarkets.

7. Refer to the symbolic importance of yams in novels such as Things Fall Apart in order to sound cultured and educated.

8. If someone refers to the Cowboys as “America’s Team”, punch them in the face.

9. Focus on your family this Thanksgiving break.

10. Start a discussion about politics to create some great stories to tell people later.

11. If you want to get on better terms with someone in your family, start a conversation with a statement about how much you hate the Cowboys.

12. Make sure everyone in your family drinks responsibly.

13. Unless your name is Tony Romo. In that case, you threw a bunch of interceptions and you probably need a drink.

14. Don’t wear a non-classy graphic tee under your sweater in case it gets too warm inside.

15. If someone asks what you’re thankful for, education is an answer that will impress everyone.

16. To add pizzaz to your dinner, play Kanye’s first album The College Dropout (2004) on the speakers. It’s a combo of easy listening, swag, and the expression of Kanye’s desire to improve hip-hop through hard work that’s perfect for a family gathering.

18. Green bean casserole is a great side dish my mom always makes. Check out the recipe here.

19. If you’re alone, watch the Cowboys play football. Not being able to go home for Thanksgiving isn’t ideal, but watching the Cowboys attempt to play football will probably lead to laughter.

20. Finally, make jokes about how much the Cowboys suck. This usually leads to a good reaction.

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