We’ve all had those weekends where all you want to do is stay in on a Saturday night, order Chinese food in your pajamas, watch Sixteen Candles, and stalk some random high school crushes on Facebook (totally normal, right???). But, as living off campus has taught us, this Netflix-and-chill-by-yourself-wishing-you-had-a-cat-to-snuggle-with utopia isn’t always attainable when your housemates decide to hit the town without you. So, I’ve compiled a few items of advice so that you can get a goodnight’s sleep and you can prevent your housemates from doing something they’ll regret in the morning.
1. Confiscate their phones so that they don’t drunkenly text pesky exes or run into a 2am Tinder tragedy.
2. Keep electrical appliances out of reach: Magic Bullets, espresso machines, panini presses, wheatgrass juicers — all the basics.
3. Put a 24-hour block on GrubHub and Seamless from their laptop search engines so that they can’t order delivery.
4. Have your landlord’s number posted somewhere convenient in case of emergency.
5. Actually, don’t call your landlord right away if something bad happens.
6. Buy some fake blood and an axe, so that you can stage a crime scene in the living room! They’ll be so scared they’ll turn right back around and Uber somewhere else, leaving your slumber undisturbed.
7. Make sure your bathroom rug isn’t white.
8. Cut off the gas lines to your stove to prevent those 3am cooking accidents. (Heads up: trying to make toast in the oven is a bad idea).
9. Make sure there’s a garbage pail near their beds.
10. Buy a cheap neck pillow that you can duct tape to the toilet seat. If your housemate spends the night vomiting over the toilet, at least her face will be comfortably cushioned.
11. Disconnect all the speakers from their outlets so they can’t turn on music at full blast when they come back.
12. Hide a moldy piece of meat in the living room. Let it really stink up the place. If your roommates bring anyone home, they will be assuredly dissuaded from spending the night and will leave.
13. Bribe your neighbors to make noise complaints, so that the police can come tell your roommates to be quiet and your don’t have to look like the bad guy.
14. Leave the TV tuned in to C-SPAN with the remote no where in sight –it will make them that much sleepier when they come home.
15. Find a random Groupon — anything will do, I promise — and tell them J.P. Licks is running a special.
Cohabiting can be challenging, but at the end of the day, odds are you love your homies and they love you just as much. So, put on that eye mask, leave the bottle of ibuprofen out on the counter, and remember that you’re probably just as annoying when you decide to come home and wake everyone up.