Realizing You Have a Friend Crush

It’s all happened to us before. We see a person from across the distance. Maybe they’re unironically wearing fake glasses (fun fact: it took us ten minutes to think of something as cool as fake classes. We are v in touch with society) and rocking them better than you ever could. Whenever they make eye contact with you, you momentarily forget how to breathe. And then it hits you: you have a friend crush. Friend crushes are different than romantic crushes in that they are significantly more obsessive…at least when we have them. Instead of wanting to be with someone, with a friend crush you want to be this person. Think you have a friend crush but aren’t sure? Here are some tell-tale signs that you do:

1. They do things you normally hate, but they make it look so cool
Let’s say there’s a fashion trend that you see everyone rocking, but you kinda can’t stand it. Pants, for example. You just can’t stand them. Whenever you see someone wearing pants, you’re like, “ugh, that’s so basic. Just let your legs roam free like wild cattle in the wilderness.” But then you see your friend crush and *gasp* they’re wearing pants. You prepare your body to feel anger, betrayal, hurt, and disgust. However, none of these feelings arise. Instead, you think, “Wow they are really rocking those skinny jeans.” You put your life motto of “no pants no problems” aside because your friend crush’s butt just looks so good in them.

2.  Just thinking about them gets you hype
We’ve both taken introductory psychology courses, so we know a thing or two about people, places, and things (also known as “nouns”). One thing we learned is the cocktail effect, which is essentially the phenomena of when you’re in a crowded room and you can’t really hear anyone’s distinct conversations, because there are so many people are talking. All of a sudden you hear your name and become super attentive to that one conversation. Shoutout to PSY 1 and PSY 9 for teaching us that nice tidbit of information. Well, with a friend crush you experience that when someone says your friend crush’s name. You’ll be having a perfectly nice conversation with your professor, but when you hear your friend crush’s name, you drop everything and run toward whomever said their name. We’ve officially named this the “friend crush-tail effect”, because we’re psychologists and can coin terms like this.

3. You start learning their schedule
When you walk across the academic quad after your EC 12 class, you see that your friend crush is always on their way into Eaton. You start to convince yourself you need to do studying right after class, and since Eaton is on the way home, you decide that’s the perfect place! After some totally not sketchy investigating, you discover that your friend crush actually has class in Eaton. You suddenly realize your inner passion for Ancient Greek and Roman Medicine, switch into the class, and sit behind them, inhaling the sweet smell of their shampoo.

4. Your friends begin to take notice
If your friend crush is already a part of your friend group, it’s only a matter of time until the rest of your peers notice your friend crush. Your friends give you weird looks when you laugh extra loudly at all their jokes even if they’re as bad as Merilla’s. They know your secret, and you fail miserably at hiding it. They’ll start to comment on how your eyes begin to sparkle in awe when your friend crush walks into a room and how you find yourself doing things so out of character, your friends think you’ve gone through a quarter-life crisis (e.g. going to an a cappella show even though you hate a cappella, going to Dewick for General Gau’s chicken even though you’re a vegetarian, studying in Ginn despite the severe allergic reactions you get when standing within 20 feet of a graduate student). Your friends see right through you.

5. Physiological Symptoms
Still can’t tell if you have a friend crush? Here are some bodily symptoms that can tell you for sure if this is a friend crush or your sketchy dinner making your stomach feel like it’s in knots. You may experience involuntary vocal bursts when you’re around your crush. For example, if they say anything nice to you, you might squeal before you’re able to contain your excitement. Your stomach might feel like you’re about to vomit while you’re with them, because their coolness is just too much to handle. People have reported glitter being spontaneously shot out from their ears while hugging their friend crush, so don’t worry if that happens to you. Your heart will never beat regularly around your friend crush, so if you feel like you’ve just run a marathon after talking to someone, you’re probably friend-crushing hard.

That’s it, folks. If you’re dealing with a friend crush and don’t know how to proceed, feel free to email us at tuftsjumbobeat@gmail.com and we will give you our expert Oprah-certified advice! Now, go on, and crush all your friends!

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