Five-Step Guide to Surviving Off-Campus Housing

1. Watch in agony as your Greek life friends slowly consolidate

It starts off small: casual remarks about their brothers and/or sisters asking to live with them. Next, they receive house tours from their bigs and grandbigs. Suddenly, the Instagram of them all “throwing what they know” in front of some apartment has 100 likes and you suddenly regret not rushing and having guaranteed housing security.

2. Orientation friends suddenly want to be best friends

Remember Sharon from your hall freshman year? Well, suddenly, she keeps texting you, snapchatting you, and insisting you should totally hang out sometime and get lunch. We all know what’s up; Sharon desperately needs a subletter for her house next semester, because all of her friends happen to be going abroad at the same time. Nice try Sharon, but I’m honored I’m on your Snapchat best friends list.

3. The current roommate debacle

Your roommate this year is great, but you’re not sure she’s cut out to join you off campus next year. I mean, she’s cool, but she also hates seasoned wedges, and that’s not the negativity you need in your life right now. You don’t know to address them maturely because your frontal lobes haven’t fully developed, so you just give them the side eye to let them know that just because we’re living together now, doesn’t mean we will be next year.

4. Dealing with the friend who thinks you can make it into West

With a mediocre average last year, you and your friends were dispersed across the middle class dormitories, forced to watch as the lottery number elite strutted in and out of the coveted West Hall on the Academic Quad. West is the ultimate chocolate cheesecake of dorms, and you are all living in vegan craisin nut bars. In searching for housing next year, your plans are constantly bogged down by your one friend who believes that you’ll rise up and take what is rightfully yours, and assume the power of the ultimate chocolate cheesecake. While their persistence is annoying and constant, no one in the group feels strong enough to let them know about their permanent vegan craisin nut bar status.

5. Signing dat lease FINALLY.

You’ve found a house, found a crew, and met with the landlord to sign the lease. When you finally sign and settle on the terms, you ask the landlord about the kids living in the apartment below you. The landlord begins talking about a young family with triplet boys who will be living underneath you for the entire year. As you smile and nod, your insides begin to shrivel up, and your brain begins to slowly shut down, accepting your horrid, decrepit, fate.

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