The ~*Real*~ Tufts Trends

If you’ve been keeping up with current events on campus (we haven’t), you’ll know that Tufts Enigma, Tufts’ Independent Data Journal, posted an article listing the 10 clubs on campus that receive the most funding from TCU. When we saw this, we were skeptical to say the least. Where are these facts and figures coming from?  Is it a conspiracy (let’s be real, everything is a conspiracy)? Fueled by a dedication to reveal the truth to the Tufts community, we decided to go undercover this week as FBI operatives under the code names “ratchet & gRillz” to get the real scoop on where all the Tufts money is going. The truth may surprise you. Below, are the top 10 actual Tufts clubs that get the most funding.***

10) The Nickelback Fan Club (We’ve never heard of it either)
Budget Received: -$2,000
Where does the money go: This club is so awful, TCU takes money away from it in an attempt to make its members stop blasting their cover of “Photograph” on the Prez Lawn. Unfortunately, this strategy has not paid off, and the Nickelback Fan Club lives to see another day.

9) Tufts Concert Board
Budget Received: $4.72
Where does the money go: Last Spring Fling, Tufts Concert Board didn’t even have enough funding to spend on a $5 foot long from Subway. However, they came up with a clever solution to this dilemma: they bribed Kesha to perform at Spring Fling by offering her an unlimited supply of seasoned wedges for the rest of the year. Way to make the best of your budget, Concert Board!

8) The Beelzebubs
Budget Received: $800
Where does the money go: Tight red pants.

7) Tony Monaco Fan Club
Budget Received: $5,000
Where does the money go: Cardboard cutouts of Tony Monaco, along with matching T-shirts. Rumors have been circulating that the club plans to drop an EP in 2016 comprising ballads dedicated to our university’s president, but the club “had no comment at this time” when asked about these rumors.

6) Tufts Napping Club
Budget: $8,001
Where does the money go: Tempurpedic beds, pillows, snuggies, slippers, orthopedic socks, whale noise recordings, stuffed animals, and a sketchy underground lair where they perform weird cult-like napping rituals.

5) Jumbo Beat (Hey it’s us! We did a business!)
Budget Received: $10,000
Where does the money go: We eat 3 large bluezones a day (our doctors said it’s legit: it’s called the non-paleo diet.) Our leftover money goes to the “Take mango fried rice out of the potato option at the dining halls” foundation. We know how to use our money wisely. We owe it all to Vincent Adultman.

4) Tufts Quidditch
Budget Received: 50 bottles of Felix Felicis and 10 bottles of Amortentia
Where does the money go: The quidditch team uses the Felix Felicis to never miss the Joey (and win all their games), while they use the love potions to help their broomsticks fall in love.

3) Tufts Enchanted
Budget Received: Vintage VHS tapes of every single Disney movie that ever existed
Where does the money go: The VHS tapes are constructed into a castle fort and members of Enchanted recreate the Maleficent/Prince Phillip battle scene in Sleeping Beauty. New members are also forced to live in this VHS tape castle for a full week after their initiation into the group.

2) Tufts Nudist Club
Budget Received: $935,000
Where does the money go: Campaigning to bring back NQR! We hear that Bernie Sanders is in full support of the return of the NQR. #feelthebern

1) Tufts Kink
Budget Received: $1,696,969.69
Where does the money go: Handcuffs. Gold-plated handcuffs for all.

***All facts and figures provided in this article have been fact checked somewhat (not really) thoroughly using Ask Jeeves, the OG search engine.

Stay weird, y’all.


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