If “Game of Thrones” characters wrote books…

Game of Thrones
is back! I have to say, I’m so excited. I even started a recap series for the show for the print Daily, which you can read every Tuesday. It seems like we’ve been waiting for forever for season five—hell, we waited through a winter worthy of Westeros to get to this point. But now the time has arrived for insane plot twists, sex scenes, and dragons. I could talk about my conspiracy theories for this season, but I won’t.

I’ve had this idea recently of a literary scene in Westeros. What if each of the Game of Thrones characters wrote a book about their lives? What would the titles be? Fear not, gentle readers, because I’ve answered these questions. Here are the titles of books that Game of Thrones characters would surely write. (I’m expected a phone call from George R.R. Martin any day now to confirm.)

Ned Stark – I Have Regrets: An Autobiography

Robb Stark – So Many Regrets: A Memoir

Jon Snow – I Know Nothing: A Bastard’s Guide to Love, War, and Fabulous Hair

Daenerys Targaryen – The Art of MOTHAF****ING DRAGONS

Cersei Lannister – Wine, Sass, and Incest are a Girl’s Best Friends

Jaime Lannister – Character Development 101

Tyrion Lannister – Disappointing Your Father (Despite Your Numerous Talents) 101

Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish – Creeping on Teenage Girls and Other Hobbies: My Life as the Severus Snape of Westeros

Arya Stark – 2 Cool 4 You: Confessions of a Twelve Year Old Murderer

Sansa Stark – How to Be Misunderstood by Viewers Who Fail to Remember that I’m a Young Girl 101

Margaery Tyrell – Oh I Just Can’t Wait to Be Queen


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