Cows in Space: A Rock Opera
Written by: Merilla Michael and Rachel Allen, winners of the Toni Award for Best Rock Opera Ever for the past 10 years.
It’s the year 20 BC, and President Barack (br)Obama has sent all the cows into space. Why did he do this, you may ask? It turns out the government has been lying to us ever since the Earth was created in 35 BC. They have been giving us milk from mechanical cow robots ever since the cow shortage began in 22 BC. The real cows realized that their friends and family were “mysteriously disappearing”, never to be heard from again. The cows staged a protest, ready to reveal the truth to the world. Little did they know, they would suffer severe consequences. This rock opera is set in outer space after the only five remaining real cows were sent there so they wouldn’t be able to speak the truth. Everyone is singing every line.
Act One begins shortly after this gang of five cows has been thrust vigorously into space.
Cow-lvin: Alright, guys. I know this really sucks, but we’re cows, we’re smart, and we deserve justice. I think we all thought President (br)Obama was our friend, but it’s clear that he thinks of us as pawns in the galaxy we call life. Does anyone have any ideas as to how we get back to Earth?
Moody: Just because you’re extraordinarily tall doesn’t mean that you’re automatically the leader of the group. To be honest, your height kind of overwhelms me. Can you bend over a bit?
Hoof-ver: If anything, I should be the leader. I mean, look at my yellow tracksuit. Doesn’t it just scream “leader” to you? Listen closely.
Jessi-cow: Can you guys quiet down? I’m trying to watch Wuthering High School on the Intergalactic On-Demand. Why can’t you guys be more like Bull? He doesn’t say anything.
Bull: *smiling with eyes closed* But wait, guys. Is space even real?
Cow-lvin: Bull, we’ve told you a hundred times. Space is real. We are in the real space. This is an actual problem. We have no food.
Moody: First, where did this TV come from? Second, why does Jessi-cow automatically get the TV? I want to watch Teen Cow on MTV.
Cow-lvin: Guys! We have to focus. We are going to die. Literally. We will die.
Bull: *still smiling with eyes closed* *tries to give Cow-lvin some grass he brought from home*
Cow-lvin: Stop instigating, Bull! This is not the time or place. Hit me up later, though, when we’re not in a life or death situation.
Hoof-ver (to Cow-lvin): Since we seem to be the only ones totally not OK with floating around in space like idiots, let’s come up with a plan to get back.
Cow-lvin: I agree. So…Wait, is that a phone over there?
Jessi-cow: Oh my god, did someone say phone? I need to update my InstaCow with a selfie in front of Mars.
Hoof-ver: *lunges for the phone* I need to do my #tbt; I have to update my InstaCow.
Moody: Guys, it’s Friday. You already missed your window for a #tbt. God, I live with a bunch of basicows.
Hoof-ver: *in a blind rage* Nooooooooo!!! I hate America. *throws the phone into space*.
Cow-lvin: Oh my god, you are all idiots. We could have used that phone to call the President!
Hoof-ver and Jessi-cow: Yikes.
Bull: So…Anyone want some grass?
*everyone glares at Bull*
Bull: OK, OK. Not the right time. I understand. I’ll just sit here.
Cow-lvin: Thanks to you idiots, we’re back at acre one.
Jessi-cow: I’m not sure if this is relevant or not, but there’s a Moo-ey shuttle that leaves every 15 minutes from that crater over there and goes straight to the White House. I’m not sure how that helps our situation, but I just thought I’d mention it.
Bull: Wait. I have an idea.
Moody: This ought to be good.
Hoof-ver: My udder is ready.
Bull: Wait, why is everyone staring at me?
Cow-lvin: OK, this is the game plan. We take that Moo-ey shuttle and –
Hoof-ver: We steal the Declaration of Independence!
Cow-lvin: Uh, no. We set the record straight. We need to let the people know that it’s not our fault.
*dramatic and hopeful music as they ride that Moo-ey shuttle back to Earth*
Will they be able to convince the people of their innocence? Will Moody ever stop complaining? Will Bull ever remember his idea? Tune in next week for Cows in Space: A Rock Opera Act Two.