Merilla and Rachel Try Online Dating: Tinder Edition

We’ve been feeling a little off lately, and couldn’t figure out what was up. We were at the point where Merilla was crying in Tisch listening to Kidz Bop and Rachel was philosophizing about bananas. And then it came to us. We needed to find love! That’s what we were missing! So, we did a Google search on the internet and downloaded this hot new app called Tinder in hopes of finding multiple human sacrifices – uh…we mean soulmates. After countless hours, laughs and tears, we found ourselves to be naturals. People just love us. We want to share to the world our tips and tricks in finding yourself a new beau. Below are the profiles we created aka our potential husbands first impressions of us.

The Profiles


Rachel wanted to showcase her symbology training she received from reading The DaVinci Code by using emojis for a deep meaning. She went for subtlety. Merilla on the other hand decided to be true to herself and was 100% honest and open about her double life as a rapper named gRillz. Either technique will work in catching a male.

Do: Talk About Your Successes


A boy would be intimidated by your success. A man welcomes it. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner about how you affect the community around you.

Do: Be Forward


There’s no need to beat around the bush. If you’re looking for a marriage, go and get it! If you’re looking for a platonic friend, you can totally find that on Tinder! We aren’t into these dating games like playing hard to get or talking about the weather. Old Gregg doesn’t like love games and neither should you.

Don’t: Talk about Kidz Bop


See what that is? Silence. Well, silence and Merilla singing along to Kidz Bop’s version of “Lips of An Angel” in the background.

Do: Find Common Interests

IMG_5618IMG_5619Finding common interests is the backbone of any relationship that was established online. We did, and we found our soulmates. Wedding invitations will be sent to those who are worthy via Hedwig and Co.

Do: Make Lord of the Rings References To Weed Out Those Who Are Unworthy

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We can’t believe he would leave Pippin and Merry to torment and death. How selfish.

Don’t: Be Afraid To Let Someone See Your Pain

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When someone is this in tune to your emotions, how can you wish for anything better?

Don’t: Mention Conspiracy Theories That Haven’t Been Released To The Public
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So, we kind of let slip that Obama has been sending cows into space. Like, it was a total accident caused by first date nerves, but then what does he go and do? He sends the “secret service” down to question us because it’s a “breach of security”. Rude. Thanks, Obama.

Do: Let People Know When They Make You Feel Good

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We like our people like we like our coffee: bold. We still don’t understand what “Moments” are.

Do: Make Sure Your Partner Isn’t A Meninist

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Self-explanatory. Meninists will eat the last french fry and leave the toilet seat up.

Do: Seek Out People Who Are Willing to Sacrifice Themselves For Your Goals

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Now, this guy is a trooper. Anyone wiling to sacrifice themselves for a stranger is either insane or brilliant. We’re banking on the latter.

Lastly, Don’t: Confuse People To The Point Of Giving Them A Headache

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We aren’t lawpeople, but we’re pretty sure that if you give someone a headache, they can sue you. So, feel free to quote Ashley S. from The Bachelor all you want, but tap out once your partner can’t take it anymore.

Remember, as JFK said: swipe right if it feels right and if not, have a turkish delight.

Stay weird, y’all.


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